A Grumpy Log and a Charming Diary
Brittany Renaud
Prose piece originally written for university creative writing seminar
April 1st, in the Year of Beginnings
Happy has brought good news today. Who am I fucking kidding? He brings good news every day, but today is the day that Doc has begun to make me and our five other brothers write journal logs every day. That uptight pansy thinks that keeping a log of the gems we get from the mines will help us organize, but it’s poppycock: we keep them all for ourselves anyways, what’s the point?
Whatever, back to Happy’s “good news”. Apparently, the good Queen got herself knocked up through some “magic potion” and finally produced an heir to the throne. A girl-child, Happy has explained, so happy he was making my teeth hurt. I’m sure the King is pleased that his only child won’t even become King, but that is something Happy didn’t even seem to think about.
Sigh, we found an ore of diamonds today and plan to excavate it tomorrow. My back is already aching at the thought.
Father tells me that a maiden fair has been born in the neighbouring kingdom, and once she is “of age”, we will be wed. Whatever that means. Mother tells me that her name is Snow White because her skin is as pale as snow, her lips red like blood, and her hair black like ebony, but I don’t care! I don’t care how pretty she might be! I just want to play with the kitchen boys and listen to my nurse’s stories about knights. Father tells me that marriage means you are bound for life, but what if I don’t think she’s pretty? What if I don’t like her? We’re going to see her tomorrow, but how am I supposed to love a baby? Girls are icky anyways.
April 2nd, in the Year of Beginnings
It’s Doc who brought the news today. It appears that the good Queen has passed due to complications in childbirth, and Jesus fucking Christ, I was making fun of what the magic potion might have been all of yesterday. Apparently “magic potion” wasn’t code, but an actual fucking magic potion they’d got from some crone. The slag put poison in it or somethin’.
I’m a horrible person.
The diamond ore proved fruitful. If Doc wasn’t such a fucking hoarder, we would be able to be living in a castle instead of some hovel in the middle of the woods.
Oh, and Sneezy has a cold. Again. I swear when he sneezes I get a little more fucking deaf each time. God fucking hell.
Mother spent much of the day crying today, and Father spent a good time at the fireplace with the king of this kingdom. Father tells me to be nice to mother, because she was a friend of the Queen’s. I do not fully understand what is going on, but Father seems angry and so does our neighbour King. Mother keeps trying to hug me, but it is getting annoying. The kitchen boy at this castle has started snickering at me from behind my mother’s back, but the look that Father gives me when I try to pull away makes me think that dragons really do truly exist. Father and King Tristian have retreated away with some soldier-like men.
I did not even get to see my future wife today, this trip is awful.
October 31st, in the 5th year of Snow White
Toil and trouble is all that is good for my brothers ‘n me, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Happy with the news again, he hasn’t come with the news in what feels like a dog’s age, but he more than made up for it with his exuberance today. Don’t understand how he can be so happy after we had that cave-in just last week, with us almost loosing Sleepy. Damn idiot should be more alert, but he’s got that sleeping disease something horrible…what the fuck is that called again? Doc tells me it’s narcolepsy. What a smart ass.
Right, the good news: the king has finally stopped moping and has got himself hitched again. Apparently the marriage is today. Why the king would remarry on such a superstitious day is beyond me. My brothers are all twittering about it like gossiping hens, and I just know that the common tall-folk back in the village are twittering just as much as they are.
They never did find that crone that murdered the Queen…
No gems today, but found an iron ore. Doc might actually let us sell this shit because it’s not shiny. Nuttier than a magpie, that one.
The nurse is making me get all dressed up in this stupid, stuffy outfit again (do not tell mother I wrote that). It is stiff and I am not allowed to run around in it. Father tells me that King Tristian has decided to “be a man” and remarry. Father has been complaining for a while that King Tristian has not gone out on hunts with him for a while now, and he thinks this marriage will mean he will get to go on hunts again. He is weird.
I have met Snow a few more times now. Everyone seems to love her, but I do not get it: She is quiet, always does her lessons, and listens to her nurse. She does not want to run around, she just likes singing and dancing by herself. She is weird too! Am I really going to have to marry her someday?
July 16th, in the 11th year of Snow White
Snow is weird as ever, but now she makes me feel weird too. Her hair glistens like a black waterfall, her pale skin never tans, even though she spends so much time outside, is like porcelain in a way I worry it could be broken. Her lips are blood red without lipstick, with teeth whiter than our finest china.
I don’t understand. Snow has not changed at all, why am I noticing her more?
December 20th, in the 16th year of Snow White
The royal family had been really fuckin’ quiet up to this point, but then out of nowhere, we find out that the princess got up and fuckin’ killed in some forest. Her heart was ripped out and everything! Doc reports no news from the King, but apparently his wife has been very publicly balling her eyes out. Seems fucking suspicious to me, never liked the woman: she really doesn’t like us little guys for whatever reason. This wannabe queen has banned us and other dwarves entirely from the capital to sell our wares. What is she afraid of? Think our height might give us some up-skirt shots of the noble ladies? What-fucking-ever.
Happy was absent from work today, I think the news hit him hard. What a wiener, probably just sulking. He doesn’t like being around people when he’s sad for whatever reason.
It was almost the end of the day, and we were trudging our way back through butt-fucking-horrible weather when we come across an odd lump of snow across our path. For Gods’ sake, hadn’t I just cleared the fucking thing? Doc goes to walk over it and finds the snow less…yielding than usual. Surprisingly, it’s Dopey who suggests that there is something under it; can’t believe he did: that poor boy is as thick and slow as poured molasses.
It was Bashful who uncovered a hand in the snow drift. He let out a girlish shriek and ran behind me. I rolled my eyes at him and uncovered the rest of the pale, bare arm up to the face. It was Doc’s turn to let out a girlish shriek. Apparently this damn road block was none other than the princess herself, half frozen and dressed in peasant’s summer wear. What fucking foolishness.
Doc leaned over to check her pulse. She had a pulse, but it was faint. He suggested that we should return her immediately to the castle.
“What fucking for?” I questioned, “She’ll be a fucking popsicle if we don’t take care of her right away.”
“Language!” Exclaimed Doc, as he did every time I swore. The idiot never fucking learned. Bashful blushed.
“Take her back to the cabin, Sneezy’ll know a thing or two about remedies,” I suggested.
“To that little hovel?” Doc gasped, “She’s the princess!”
“Yeah well, she’ll be a dead princess if we don’t do something.”
“There is no bed big enough for her!” Doc continued on this useless rant.
“Just push my bed, Bashful’s and Happy’s together,” I suggested, “I’m sure Happy’ll be overjoyed to see this little fool alive and Bashful always does stupid things for the ladies, doesn’t he?”
The only response I got was Bashful’s nodding consent. Bashful, the clod, always got nervous around human women. I never understood why, because us dwarves don’t have gender like humans do. We are carved out of the fucking dirt, for fuck’s sake.
“Come on,” I said, reaching for the girl’s arms, and wrapping her in my coat. “I can’t fucking carry her myself.”
“Language!” Doc shouted again.
We ended up having to remove some of the gems from the mining cart in order to transport the princess, much to Doc’s displeasure. Don’t understand why, all we do is hoard the fucking things in the cellar. I myself don’t mind making stuff out of ‘em, but we never really have anyone to give them to do we?
Half of the inventory discarded today.
My future wife is dead. I don’t know what to do: my maiden fair has been destined to be mine since her birth and now I have nothing. King Tristian has suffered such loss; Father is starting to think that he is cursed, and we visit less and less. Queen Lilith is of course distraught, even though Snow is not her blood daughter. Mother once whispered to me that she thinks that Queen Lilith might be barren. She says it like it is a naughty word. I can understand that; all my life Mother and Father have taught me that I would marry the princess and she would bare my children and I would rule over the two kingdoms.
Why did she have to die? Stupid, stupid Snow, why did she have to go wandering around in the forests? I have told her time and time again it is full of evil bandits and dirty dwarves, but she never listened! I swear she cared more about the stupid animals in the forest than she did about me.
April 1st, in the 25th year of Snow White
I have to say, though I’d never admit to my brothers, and certainly never to the princess—who says we must call her by Snow, that her presence have certainly made things better around here. She certainly cleaned up this dirty little hovel and has made it almost livable. She certainly seems to enjoy domestic work, which I didn’t even expect a princess to know, let alone be good at. She has become a beautiful young woman while living with us, but she refuses to return to her life of status in the kingdom. It took her a few months for her to even speak about it, but apparently it had been the King’s new wife that had ordered her assassination. The queen had sent out a huntsman to finish the job while Snow had been out on one of her many trips to the forests, funnily enough, to try to find dwarves.
“Prince Aidan had told me you were grotesque, scary creatures who ate babies,” Snow had explained, turning almost as red as Bashful whenever Snow would try to speak to him. Even after almost a whole fucking decade the fool was still shy around her. What I liked about Snow is that when she blushed, it didn’t look fucking pretty. It made her look like a drunk, and she could certainly drink with the rest of us. When she drank with us, she didn’t drink that fucking sissy noble drink, wine, but straight-up ale like the common folk. She was tough, and I could say that I was proud of her, but I swear if any of my fucking brothers read this and tease me about it, I will fucking deny it until I’m blue in the face.
So Snow had come out into the forest that day because she was trying to prove a bratty prince from a neighboring kingdom wrong, and had come across the man sent to kill her. Snow is still confused to this day why he didn’t, and just told her to run. He had taken her winter furs from her and said he’d convince the queen he had killed her, and that she should never come back.
All that is unimportant now: today is Snow’s 25th birthday, and Doc tells me that this is an important birthday for humans. Fucking pansies, they barely stop shitting themselves before they start shitting themselves again in old age. Doc has also told me some bad news: the King has died, meaning that fucking she-devil that tried to murder our Snow is the ruler of the Kingdom. I think that it’s probably the queen that did it, but Doc has told us not to tell Happy or Snow till after today. For once, I actually agree with him. No use ruining Snow’s day, and Happy would definitely tell Snow if we told him. That clod, couldn’t keep a secret if it had taped his fucking lips shut.
I’ve made Snow a necklace out of some of the gems and gold we’ve mined. It’s a piece of shit, especially compared to Doc’s diamond studded tiara, but her smile widened almost as wide as her whole face when she saw it. I felt myself blushing. Fucking blushing! For fucking sake, I’m turning into a pansy like Bashful.
King Tristian has died under mysterious circumstances, and my superstitious mother and father are becoming more and more convinced that some curse has been placed on our neighboring kingdom, and they have cut all trade with them. Utter fools, but that is not my concern now.
This day would have been my Snow’s 25th birthday, and I am resolved to throw a ball for myself. I will invite all the ladies in the kingdom, but not a single one has been able to equal Snow in terms of her beauty. My mother tells me I cannot refuse marriage for any longer, because with us cutting trade with our former ally, it means that we have significant less money coming in. As I said, they are utter fools.
The ball was very extravagant, Mother certainly outdid herself to try to keep me from leaving the ballroom out of boredom as I usually do at such events, but all the jesters, musicians and fools kept me interested, I suppose.
The time was getting late, and the dancing portion of the night was going to begin. I would have turned in if the fanfare had not announced the entrance of a princess from some further away, remote country. My tutors have told me that it is impossible for one’s heart to fall into his stomach, but I think that happened to me in that moment. Her name is Princess Rosalind, and she was beautiful. Perhaps not as beautiful as Snow, but certainly beautiful in a wholly new, different way. I have never seen a person such as her before: she had hair golden like the sun, her skin had obviously been kissed lovingly by her country’s heat, and she did not dress in the ball gowns of the women of our northern countries, but in a much more…body caressing outfit. I knew that it was an outfit my mother would frown on immensely, which just made me love it more. Snow may have been my first love, and she always would be, but…perhaps this Rosalind could be a good replacement.
June 25th, the 25th year of Snow White
I rode to see Rosalind today, and I planned to marry her. I find myself passing through the very forests that my Snow was said to be killed in, and though it hurts my heart, I know this is for the best. What I would find in that forest would change my life forever.
We were coming up to a particularly bright clearing when a sheen blinded my eyes. I did not realize what it was until I was almost upon it. It was a coffin, and a procession of dwarves and woodland pests were having a funeral. I could not help but think how pedestrian this all was until I noticed that the coffin was made out a single piece of pure crystal and saw the occupant inside. It was no dwarf, but a human woman! I squinted, and then I saw who it was.
I had not seen her in almost a decade, but I knew this was my Snow White: she still had her beautiful, luxurious hair, red cherry lips, and pale porcelain skin, even in death. Like a man possessed, I dismounted my horse, and approached the coffin. It was kind of the dwarves not to disturb me as I removed the lid, which was very heavy.
At that point, it did not matter that she was dead, I knew I had to have her kiss. My first love, thought dead all these years, only newly dead now! I kissed her, and I knew from that moment that she had felt my love, because she had awoken. Her face was confused, as if she did not recognize me, but I find that highly unlikely. I lifted her out of her prison, and noticed the tone in her arms. These barbarians had been making her work! I had to get her out of this horrid place.
I put my Snow on my steed, and I could have been wrong, but I think she called back to those dirty barbarians as we sped back to her Kingdom, where she belongs.
Stupid, stupid, foolish girl! We leave her alone for a day to go work in the mines, and we come back, and she’s dead! Fucking dead! All we found was an apple, which Dopey was going to keep fucking eating. I had to give him a smack upside the head to make me realize that that is what had killed her. Doc stabbed the apple with a pickaxe, and the tip of it melted off. We can only guess that the Queen had discovered that Snow was alive again, and had come to deal with her herself, that horrid creature.
We had a funeral for her today, and even the animals seemed to know that we had lost someone important. Snow had never lost her love for the animals in the forest, and at times they would even come and help her with the chores. How Snow was able to get wild animals to work for her, I’ll never know., but it doesn’t fucking matter now though, does it?
It was Bashful who suggested her coffin be made of crystal, and Doc the cheap bastard, agreed.
“It doesn’t fucking matter if we have a surplus of crystal, do you want to fucking watch her rot?” I had screamed at Doc, and for once, Doc was speechless. I did not assist in the creation in that horrid coffin.
In the middle of the damned funeral, a regal boy around Snow’s age came through the middle of it. Fucking entitled nobility, doesn’t fucking matter if you own the place! When he saw what we were doing, and looked at that horrid abomination of a coffin, the look on his face was indiscernible as he saw Snow’s face. He got off his horse, and walked towards the coffin. Me, and apparently all my brothers as well, were too flabbergasted, angry, and shocked with what happened next to do anything. Couldn’t have done anything if we wanted to anyways, because the prince’s fucking guards had spears pointed at out fucking throats.
The bratty shod took off the coffin lid. Took off the fucking coffin lid! Happy had started to sob out loud, but a slight jab at his throat with the business end of a spear made him shut up. I still can’t believe, even though I saw it with my own fucking eyes, what he did next.
He leaned over, and kissed Snow, our Snow, dead as a doornail, on the lips. On the fucking lips! What’s more, is that she woke up. My brothers started cheering, but I couldn’t join them, not with what that fucking royal brat did next. He picked Snow up, put her on his horse, and rode off with her.
There was no work today, and I don’t plan on going to work for a while thank you very fucking much.